Diggings from the Ditch: Let's Talk UFOs

Hi there, META-SPIEL readers. Every so often a Thursday comes and goes and no Phthursday Musings hits your inboxes. Sometimes when that happens, I get a call from my father, expressing grave concern. And then every so often, I get a call from my father, briefly expressing grave concern, which then transitions into something kind of like that scene in Glory where Denzel Washington tells Matthew Broderick that he will carry the flag if the man carrying the flag should fall. And so it did pass that one day, I simply received a submission; and it is that submission, very lightly edited, which you are about to read.

Please consider this paragraph to be a blanket disclaimer limiting our liability for absolutely everything ever.

Now that we have so disclaimed, here is the Substack debut of Bert Huckelberry.

Let’s talk UFOs:

Ok, in congress the other week, they were talking UFOs. Again.

The witness said there was a crash and “biologicals were recovered.”

Go to one minute nine seconds.

He didn’t call them “Spacemen”, or “Aliens”, or “Extraterrestrials”, he called them “Biologicals”. What the hell?

As identified by my computer’s dictionary:

Biologicals - a therapeutic substance, such as a vaccine or drug, derived from biological sources.

After an extensive internet search, I have determined that “BIO” is some kind of soft drink, beyond that, I can’t say because every web site that features “BIO” is in some incomprehensible “Alien” language:

So, the obvious conclusion is that according to congressional hearings:

extraterrestrials = biologicals = soft drinks derived from spacemen.

Alien pee?

I’m so glad that the government has finally come clean on UFOs and extraterrestrials..

But wait: There are other explanations:

Twelve, maybe fifteen years ago, I went to an authors’ book fair in Frankfort, Kentucky. There were a lot of people hawking their books.

There were old ladies pushing books - gardening - cook books - how to hold a successful rummage sale for your church - historical events that took place in our own backyards, etc. etc. etc….

There were old men pushing books - one guy wrote murder mysteries that took place in small towns within an hour of his house. He would go to lunch in different places, chat with the locals and then go home and write a book. Magical places like Waddy and Booker’s Grove would become hot spots for murder and mayhem. His characters would have names like Buddy, and Hay Buddy, and Yeah Buddy.

Another old guy, Ron Elliott, had a book about some guy who fought in the battle of Iwo Jima. I bought that one. It has the famous picture of a bunch of guys raising the American flag. I learned that it was a staged picture, that flag was the second one to go up. The first was a smaller flag raised by three soldiers. It was the second flag raising photo that became the icon:

One of the soldiers in that picture was Ira Hays.

Then there was this younger guy, a teacher? From a university? I can’t remember.

A small crowd had gathered around to hear him talk about UFOs.

“These aren't just stories, these are life changing events.”

The woman standing next to me rolled her eyes. 

“The pictures are real, the people are real, once you’ve seen a UFO, A REAL UFO, you will never forget it.”

He looked around the crowd, sold a few books, and the crowd dissipated. As I was walking away, he stopped me.

“You know what I'm talking about, you’ve seen ‘em.”

“Yes sir, I have seen a real UFO.”

“Please tell me about it.”

So I did:

I was 18, maybe 19. We waited for a friend to finish up at the Pizza Hut, then piled into a car and drove around the corn fields of Boone and McHenry counties. Our destination was a late night pizza place in Harvard, Illinois. The place was called Ozzy’s and Ozzy was the place. Looking back I assume he was born in the back room and never left the building his entire life. But wait, he did tell stories, I just never knew if they were first person or things he heard from customers over the years. Ozzy would make pizzas and tell stories and watch The Untouchables on a small Admiral TV. I point out the TV because Ozzy’s Admiral TV was made in Harvard. It kinda looked like this:

One night while we were eating pizza and watching The Untouchables Ozzy jumped out from behind the counter, he gasped and pointed to the Admiral. Walter Winchel was narrating as a car and a pickup were screaming thru Harvard down Highway 173. “I remember that night, Ness was chasing the bootleggers, I saw them right here, right outside this window.”

Prohibition began with the Volstead Act of 1919. So early 20’s?  That’s 50 years before I ever walked into Ozzy’s Pizza. Hence the born in the back theory. It was a memorable night at Ozzy’s, but the best was yet to come. We piled into the car, a Dodge Charger, and started back to Rockford. We didn’t take the highway, we took the backroads, we always did. The sky was clear, the stars were bright, and I could see the moonlight bouncing off the tops of the corn stalks. Something moved in the night sky.

“Did you see that?”

“What?”

“THAT!”

The car stopped as we all gazed into the sky. Something was darting around up there. Way far away, then closer, then far away again. 

THEN! Then it zoomed right in front of us, I mean right in front of us. We could see shadows moving around inside what was obviously a UFO. One of the guys screamed and tried to crawl under the driver's seat. Then, it was gone, I mean gone, just gone.

After we regained our collective composure, we drove back. If people were talking, I didn’t hear them. If I was talking, they didn’t hear me either.

Later we talked about it. We all saw the same thing, There was no question that we really did see it, but what was it, it was a UFO that’s what it was. Did it change my life? No, but once you’ve seen a UFO, A REAL UFO, you will never forget it.

David Baldacci was there too. He drew the biggest crowd, but 46 novels and no UFOs.

Which brings us to UFO, the band.

Did UFO see UFOs? Well? It looks like UFO thinks that UFOs are flying submarines:

And now for something completely different:

Most UFOs seem to just appear in the sky. People want to know where they come from.

Other planets?

Other galaxies?

The Matrix?

Mass hypnosis?

Art class?

After extensive research, I can finally answer that question!

Not some, but all UFOs come from the other side of the dome. They come through the dome by surrounding themselves with massive orbs. The orbs are made of magnetic fields that vibrate at the resonant frequency of the dome itself. Tesla was successful in penetrating the dome with an electromagnetic field from the inside out sometime in the 1920’s. I think it was during Prohibition. Today, Spacemen, ETs, and Aliens (most of whom originated in Berlin), are returning to Earth and settling in Brazil.

Nuff said.